The Divine Quest for Booty
by goodonebarb
Summary: A sinful story about the world's religious figures. Read with bated breath as Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad and various other religious figures live life as room mates. It's trash. Sexual implications but no actual smut. This fan fiction is a joke. But I won't stop you from taking it seriously. Also Dank Memes.


Long after the global population became atheist after humankind revoked religion, the gods of the Earth lived together in a boarding house in an unknown location, which cannot be disclosed. Now life was dull for the gods as humans wanted them to have no part in their personal lives and they understood. Sometimes you just need a break.

It was a crisp autumn evening in the heavenly home of Earths religious figures. Jesus, the lanky bearded man himself, the gossiping drama queen of the heavenly home was strutting around like the fabu peacock he was. Muhammad, the runner up to Jesus's throne of power and heavenly glory, was following him with a skip in his step and sass in his hips. The final member in the Holy Trinity was Gilgamesh; he was a bit of an awkward and unfitting member to the home in general. He was confident but a complete and utter wet blanket. He was disinterested with the crazy raves, parties and binge praying sessions the other inhabitants thrived on. If the home was a ship hurdling through a hellish hurricane of lust, pride, greed, gluttony, envy, vanity and wrath then Gilgamesh was the anchor. He was the strong, slightly disfigured rock holding everything together. He was the poorly applied, cheap, toxic, rainbow glitter glue holding everything in place. The sun was near to going under the gentle covers of the horizon when Confucius and Lao Tzu (alternatively: Laozi, Lao Tsu, Lao Tze, your mom) returned home with their groceries (Many rumors had surfaced that the two of them were in some form of bromance. Many of the more vicious shippers *cough* Martin Luther *cough* believed that the two of them were much more than a bromance). After announcing their arrival with the transcendent tongue of divinity they took a position on the couch to watch pointless documentaries about mail order brides and mutated kittens. Such a beautiful, private scene was an affair the neighborhood fuckboy and fedora wearing Martin Luther dare not miss. Binoculars and half completed fan fiction in hand, he assumed a stealthy position behind the couch. Such behavior was very normal in the heavenly home. Jesus sniggled briefly at the scrublorde behavior of Martin Luther.

"What is so humorous?" said the majestic, rainbow candy coated voice of Buddha the ultimate bae and the epitome of desire in the heavenly home. Buddha had THE BOOTY. No one else's rump came even close to the majesty and magnitude of his fanny. No bum could possibly compare to the beauty of Buddha's derriere. His keister was the thing Jesus wanted for his birthday. No one else's haunches had such definition and quality, no tushie such a pleasant air, no ass was so F-Y-N-E. Jesus's eyes shed tiny tears of wine as he stole a small glimpse at Buddha's toned posterior. "Look bro- the actions of, like, our companion dudes are, like, really lol-able. K, bruh?" Jesus said as he flipped his silky locks of magic. "I see." Buddha said his magical voice penetrating every pleasure center in Jesus's body. Jesus gazed at his squad (comprised of Muhammad and Gilgamesh) with a look of disappointment. "Hey bruh, I was, like, wondering if you wanted to, like, help me with this, like, box of my old carpentry shit? Like no homo, bruh." Jesus articulated quite inarticulately. "Sure. I would be delighted to aid you with your worldly possessions." Buddha said, his voice resulting in the birth of a unicorn on top of a cloud not too far away. Jesus led Buddha to his chamber of reflection (bedroom). Zeus, who had been chilling on an arm chair caught a very direct view of Buddha's psychedelic rear, and hence forth began to vomit rainbows and candy. There was much gaiety. Buddha and Jesus entered the room. Jesus walked over to the large closet and opened it. Paul (Jesus's apostle) came out of the closet in a very literal and symbolic manner. "All homo intended" said Paul proudly. Jesus chortled and patted Paul on the head. "Right on bruhski. You go get some." Buddha watched the transaction with a look of expectation, as though with all of his righteous wisdom he had all along known that Paul was infact going to climb out of his metaphorical and literal closet at that very moment. With a swift movement of manly grace, Paul fabulously sashayed over to Jesus and draped his hairy arm about his waist. "I have awaited this moment for a long time, my most enticing, scrumptious narwhal" he announced ever so boldly. "Jesus, you make my kokoro go doki-doki!" Jesus was taken aback by this blatant display of devotion and lust. "Bruh, Paul my dude, I am, like, sorry to rain on your fabulous parade but my, like, heart yearns for another rad bro. Ya digg?" Jesus cast a wayward lustful gaze in the direction of Buddha and his absolutely majestic posterior. Jesus ended his gaze with an overly dramatic, sparkly wink shooting the pheromones and desire directly towards the Indian prince. Crestfallen and left in abysmal despair, Paul remorsefully stepped back, his face bright red with MASCULINE embarrassment. He looked as though he was about to comment, but ashamed he summoned his scantily-clad pegasus and flew away to a lonely rainbow cloud where he could cry himself to sleep.

Jesus sighed as a wave of icy cold relief washed over him, for Jesus knew that now, at last he could profess his love. With a cymbal crash and a drum fill the tune of Pon Pon Pon by Kyary Pamyu Pamyu began to play. Jesus having planned and choreographed this for half a millennium danced and lipsynched along with a skill level only made possible by a god as rad and excellent as himself. This instantaneously caught Buddhas attention. He was entranced by the sheer overload of raw and powerful Kawaii his retinas began to sting and the smell of cotton candy filled his exuberant nostrils. Buddhas eyes rolled into the back of his head with the pure feeling of ecstasy, euphoria and enlightenment. In fact this feeling was more life changing and world shattering than that of his enlightenment. This was a stage past Nirvana a fifth stage on the path to enlightenment as stage only to be described as Weeaboo. Jesus sensed in his soul that his performance was well received and danced all the more Kawaii using all of his years of practice and training to produce the most mind bending, matter displacing display of Kawaii ever conceived. And yet all too soon Jesus struck his final pose as the final bar of the song played and halo made of candy and kittens was now resting upon Jesus's well-conditioned, moist tresses. Buddha was- Well Buddha was now at another stage of godhood altogether from witnessing the majesty and absolute carnage of Jesus's Kawaii dance. Yet in all of his shock, awe and amazement Buddha felt somewhat... aroused, and very much attracted to a god who carried the same, if not more, power than himself. Jesus instantly felt this arousal and attraction as it was the same feeling that had plagued him for an eternity. With a coy expression Buddha pulled a large jar of peanut butter from god-knows-where. Jesus chortled "bruh you sultry vixen!" as he pulled a large slightly crooked carrot from god-knows-where. Buddha was quite impressed with the orange vegetable. "My goodness. That is a most majestic vegetable." Buddha swooned with a grin. Jesus gazed into Buddha's chocolatey scrumptious ORBS and gently stroked his cheek. "Thanks, bruh. Ur jar is an 8/8 m8." Buddha blushed and giggled like five year old. Jesus gently touched Buddha's jar as if it was a cement mixer. Buddha made a pterodactyl-esque screech as a sign of his approval. "May I?" Buddha said gesturing towards Jesus's somewhat stumpy carrot. "just do it" Jesus whispered gently. Buddha took the carrot and placed it onto a plastic chopping board. He pulled out a kitchen knife and slapped on a pink frilly apron. "Now?" Buddha said staring into Jesus's beautiful ORBS. "Yassss!" said Jesus trembling with anticipation. Buddha began to slice the carrot with the speed and accuracy of a calculus instructor. Jesus let out an animalist cry of approval.

Suddenly the door burst open. Martin Luther, the in house fanboy, was frothing at the mouth and sporting a nosebleed. "A watched pot never blazes" said Martin Luther with sparkly rainbow drool sliding from his luscious lips. Jesus let out a chuckle. "Join us bruh!" proclaimed Jesus excitedly. Martin Luther pulled out a girthy potato. "My body is currently in an enhanced state of preparedness" Buddha said holding some of the slices of Jesus's carrot. "Not without I beeyotches!" said Gilgamesh as he bust in wearing the most kawaii school girl uniform, with a jar of opened banana jelly in his hand. He had the most intense walrus like look of desire and passion across his face. "Anyone else?" Buddha said chuckling. "OF COURSE~~~~" screeched Muhammed, praise be unto him; Confucius, Lao Tsu (alternatively: Lao Tzu, Lao Tze, Laozi, Avirl LeFuckboi Lavigne), as they burst in. Confucius already had his banana inserted into Laozi's (alternatively: Lao Tse, Lao Tze, Lao Tzu, Lao Tsu, Ass-Blaster-Master-9001) bowl of blue raspberry gelatin. Muhammed held a mighty 69 ft. (21.0312 meter) cucumber in his hand. Jesus looked at Buddha intensely. "WE GOT OURSELVES A COSMIC DIVINE ORGY UP IN THIS BITCH!" screeched Jesus in a velociraptor fashion.

All at once fruits, vegetables and jar collided. Various MASCULINE screeches, groans, meows and moans were heard. Potatoes rubbed against 69 ft. (21.0312 meter) cucumbers. Sliced carrot was inserted into blue raspberry gelatin. Bananas ravaged jars of peanut butter. During all of this confusion Zeus heard the zoo-like noises of this cosmic divine orgy. Now Zeus had a long history with intense cosmic orgies (Do you even Greek mythology, bruhhhhhh?!). He was a bit shocked he hadn't been invited. He made his way downtown, walking fast, faces pass and he's home bound. (piano interlude) After Zeus's musical number, he reached the bed room where the majestic orgy was taking place. He slowly pulled out an orange popsicle, preparing himself for the horrors within. He opened the door and was instantly blinded by the majestic sights he beheld. "AAAAARRRGGGGG!" screeched Zeus as he turned into a pirate. Jesus greeted him with a smile "So you, like, finally decided to join in bro!" Jesus remarked. Zeus was confused in so many ways. He slid eye patches over his eyes and groaned gently "arrrrrrrrrrggggh". The pirate-o-meter was rising exponentially as Zeus became more and more piratey as the seconds whizzed by. Jesus took him by the arm giggling giddily "So is this your final form?" asked Jesus in a flirtatious manner. Zeus let out a confused and slightly grouchy "arrrrrgh". Jesus eagerly took Zeus's popsicle and rammed it quite messily into Buddha's peanut butter jar. Moans increased as the many food stuffs collided in a most scandalous and taboo manner.

Yet, as the orgy raged on, the universe slowly began to collapse in on itself. How? The combination of global warming, illuminati, and communism; in tandem with this godly orgy of unseen proportions was far too much for the universe to handle. And slowly as the storm raged on, it never bothered the gods anyway. They gave so few fucks. These fuckboys hardly noticed the universe swallowing them alive. And as the orgy reached its divine climax the silky quilt making up the universe tore. Well not quite tore as much as it disintegrated. Everything ceased to exist. No more anything. There was just a void of dark darkness. Nothing existed and never had.

That's it. That is how you end a fanfiction. You just tear apart the entire universe. What? That was a stupid lazy ending? Well how do you even end beauty like this? This beauty is so all encompassing that it must exist until nothing else does. And that's what happened. You think it's just lazy writing and that I should quit? That's nice. But you don't exist. Neither do I. Or this fanfiction.


End file.
